Christmas Cheer for the Insane
by TwilightSakura
Summary: Yugi and his grandpa are holding a Christmas party. An unexpected snowstorm leads to the cast being trapped in Yugi's house. Insanity ensues with a special guest. Please R&R. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm just a crazed fan with too much time on my hands who wants to spread some holiday cheer. Is that so wrong?!**  
  
Okay, well in this fic, I use the Japanese names so I can claim superiority over you. Muah. Seriously, I just felt like it. Here's a little conversion chart-thing in case you don't know the English/Japanese translation.  
  
Anzu- Tea  
  
Honda- Tristan  
  
Jonochi- Joey  
  
I think you can figure out the rest. Anyway, enjoy the fic!  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
The birds chirped merrily on a bright, sunny morning in downtown Domino. That is, until a gunshot rang in the still air. Yugi Moto looked up from his breakfast and sighed.  
  
'Grandpa's at it again.'  
  
The door to the kitchen opened and his grandpa sauntered in, humming a random Christmas song and holding a smoking rifle. When he realized that Yugi was in the kitchen, Grandpa hid something behind his back. Yugi eyed the rifle suspiciously.  
  
"Grandpa, were you shooting pigeons again?" he said dryly as he glared knowingly at his Grandpa.  
  
"No, of course not. Why do you ask?" replied Grandpa quickly, shifting uncomfortably.  
  
At that precise moment, one of the half-dead pigeons squawked feebly. Yugi's suspicious glare hardened.  
  
"Uh...well...you see..." stuttered Grandpa as contraband feathers fluttered down behind his back. "Aw, lighten up, Yugi. It's Christmas Eve. You do want a feast for your friends, right?"  
  
Yugi sighed. "I don't think two pigeons is enough to feed...wait, how many people did you invite?"  
  
Grandpa reached for a conveniently placed list of guests on the table, covering it with pigeon blood. Yugi read over it carefully.  
  
"What?! You invited Kaiba?! Are you insane? He's the Grinch incarnate! Not to mention he's the reincarnation of Yami's mortal enemy!" he exclaimed, sputtering bits of half-eaten toast everywhere.  
  
"Aww," replied Grandpa, now covered with regurgitated toast, "he just needs a friend."  
  
"M'yeah..." Yugi muttered sarcastically. "And I bet right now he's prancing around his house covered in garlands and baking gingerbread men while humming 'Jingle Bells'."  
  
At that precise moment in the Kaiba mansion at the end of town, Seto sneezed, interrupting his off-key rendition of "Jingle Bells". He blew his nose on a red-and-green handkerchief before prancing to the kitchen to retrieve his gingerbread men, tripping a bit over a rouge garland.  
  
Back at the Moto residence, Yugi continued to glance over the list of invitees.  
  
"Uh, Grandpa," muttered Yugi apprehensively, "I don't know most of these people."  
  
"Of course not," replied Grandpa. "You don't know everyone in town."  
  
"You invited the whole town?!" screamed Yugi, knocking his milk to the floor as he flailed his arms in shock.  
  
"Well, I didn't want anyone to feel left out," said Grandpa sheepishly. "I guess you're right. We need more pigeons! This calls for the Kame- cannon!"  
  
With that, Grandpa threw the two captive pigeons across the kitchen, causing them to hit the cabinets and fall to the countertop with a squelch. He seized his still-smoking rifle and dashed to the garage.  
  
"It's gonna be a long day," sighed Yugi as he returned to his breakfast, which had frozen over by now. He pulled out an ice pick and continued to eat.  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
Later that afternoon, Grandpa returned with three giant sacks of half-dead pigeons and began to fry them up, still half-dead, in the kitchen. Yugi tried to decorate the living room with garlands and lights, but, alas, he was far too short to hang anything above 150 centimeters (about 5 feet). Of course, everyone was freakishly tall and the decorations would barely touch their midriffs.  
  
"Need help, Yugi?" called Grandpa from the kitchen above the sizzling and squawking of fried pigeon.  
  
"Uh..."  
  
Yugi happened to be struggling with a particularly evil garland that threatened to string him 150 cm above the ground. In a man-against-garland battle that would fill the folklore of the hobo community for twenty minutes, he found himself in that exact situation. Dangling in a tangled knot of fake green pine needles, ribbons, and blinking lights, he choked out a reply.  
  
"No, Grandpa, I'm fine."  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
It was dusk and a brisk wind blew against the windows of the Moto residence. Party guests began arriving in small groups and were greeted by low garlands, dimly blinking lights (one set of which had gone out), and the acrid smell of fried pigeon. After awhile, the house became a bit cramped as the entire population of Domino, and probably some people outside of Domino, tried to squish themselves into the modest commodities of the Moto house like Fried Pigeon in a Can, which Grandpa happens to own stock in.  
  
Anyway, after partaking in the centuries-old fruitcake that has been around the world at least five times and the fried, baked, sautéed, souffléed, and all the other French words-that-I-can't-spell-ed pigeon, the guests began to filter out of the house, intent upon returning home and taking something to settle their stomachs. In about three hours, practically everyone was gone. Only Yugi's friends, who were used to the oddities that surround the Moto household, remained for awhile, now desquishified from the rapid departure of party guests. Well, there was that creepy guy from down the street named Momotaro the Kame-sen'nin who collects DBZ figurines and walks around dressed as a really fat Goku. For the sake of space, let's call him Mo. So, at about ten o'clock, everyone except for Jonochi, Anzu, Honda, Bakura, the Kaiba brothers, and Mo had left.  
  
The small group of faithful and slightly sickened party guests sat in the living room amongst the falling garlands and leaning Christmas tree. They chatted cheerfully about random stuff, well except for Kaiba, who was pretending to understand Mo's insane ramblings about DBZ episode 152. As Grandpa was bringing out a portion of the abundant leftover fried pigeon, a particularly strong wind struck the town and a blizzard arose. Yugi and co. glanced at the steadily frostier windows nervously. After a couple of minutes of looking really worried, but sitting around like pigeons on a telephone wire as heroes are prone to do in times of danger, Jonochi announced that he was going to leave because he had to...uh...work tomorrow.  
  
"But, Jonochi, tomorrow's Christmas. Most people don't work," said Anzu, giving him a suspicious look.  
  
"Uh...well...I'm Jewish, so...uh...I can work tomorrow," stammered Jonochi.  
  
"No you're not. You have a giant Christmas tree, a nativity scene with a 14-karot gold baby Jesus, and Christmas lights out the ying yang in your house. We're not that stupid," muttered Honda as he glared at Jonochi.  
  
"Okay, seriously. Sorry, Yug, but your grandpa's starting to scare me with the pigeon. I mean, where did he get that much pigeon? And why pigeon?" whispered Jonochi, exasperated.  
  
"We went to New York last summer. He stocked up there. And he shot a couple hundred today," replied Yugi.  
  
"I thought hunting-hunting was illegal until spring," said Mokuba, confused.  
  
As the group began debating the legality of big city hunting-hunting and discussing recent hunting tournaments, Jonochi inched toward the door. He flung open the door to find that they'd been snowed in! Ah, the humanity! Yugi and co. looked up and gasped in terror: Jonochi's socks don't match! Then, they realized that the door was barricaded by a block of solid ice and gasped again. Grandpa walked into the living room with another uneaten tray of pigeon and stared, bemused, at his party guests sitting stock-still with their mouths open.  
  
Of course, something did manage to snap them out of it. The lights went out, causing someone to scream like a little schoolgirl.  
  
"Orange jellyfish! Did you have to scream in my ear Bakura?!"  
  
"That wasn't me! It was Kaiba!"  
  
"Don't blame me for your girlish scream."  
  
"It was you o-niichan. Don't blame Bakura for your girlish scream."  
  
"Shut up, Mokuba."  
  
Loud thumps, crashes, and muttered curse words filled the room as everyone but Yugi and Grandpa stumbled over garlands in the darkness. Finally, some smart genius lit a match. It was Bakura, of course, because he always carries around a lighter and twenty packs of matches from random gas stations, hotels, and insurance companies. He threw the match into the corner and set the sofa ablaze.  
  
"Bakura! I have a fireplace, you know!" screamed Yugi as he watched his sofa burn to ash.  
  
"Fine," replied Bakura, a bit disheartened, "I'll use the fireplace."  
  
A loud rustling and the sound of wood against stone filled the room while everyone stood, waiting for the heat, the wonderful heat. In moments, the fireplace was filled with dancing flames. However...  
  
"Bakura! I have wood, you know! You didn't have to use my Christmas tree!" shrieked Yugi over the crackling of the fire.  
  
"Well, you told me to use the fireplace. You didn't say what to put in it. It's your own fault for not being specific," replied Bakura calmly.  
  
Yugi's sputterings of outrage and shock were drowned out by everyone scurrying to the fireplace. He sighed and joined the group. At least there was heat.  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
A little while later, everyone was asleep in front of the blazing symbol of Christmas spirit. Grandpa had passed out on his half-eaten platter of fried pigeon. Anzu was asleep on the still-smoldering embers of the former couch. Jonochi and Honda were back-to-back next to a particularly low garland. Everyone else was lying on the ground near the fire, Bakura with a sting of Christmas lights binding him so that he didn't burn the house down while everyone was asleep as he was prone to do.  
  
At about midnight, Mokuba woke with a start when he heard an odd scraping sound. He looked up to see Mo sitting in a corner refinishing his action figure of Goku that he always carried around. Mokuba sighed and went back to sleep. However, a huge thunk and some muttered curses, followed by a really loud curse awoke everyone. It was the jolly fat man himself: Pegasus. Every year, the kid inside little Pegsy tells him to don an oversized Santa suit and break into the townspeople's homes to deliver presents. Another shining example of a rich guy with too much money and time.  
  
Anyway, Yugi walked apprehensively to the fireplace filled with cursing and burning Christmas tree.  
  
"For the love of-! This is the eighth time tonight! Why does everyone light their fireplaces on Christmas Eve?! Do they want Santa to burn to a crisp?!" cried Pegsy between curses.  
  
Slowly, everyone stirred and walked toward the fireplace, amusing themselves for a moment or so by watching Pegsy be burned alive. Grandpa, however, got a big stick and began poking Pegsy's underside.  
  
"You idiot! Just put the blasted fire out!" exclaimed the jolly not-so-fat man in response to the pokings.  
  
Finally, Jonochi traipsed off to the kitchen, stumbling over dangling decorations, and returned with a glass of water. He threw it onto the burning tree with little result.  
  
"Well, I tried," muttered Jonochi as he walked back to his sleeping place.  
  
After a couple more minutes of poking and cursing, Yugi got the brilliant idea to throw some eggnog on the fire. This, however, fueled the fire further and caused renewed cursings from the firmly lodged Pesgy. Eventually, they managed to melt a bit of ice from the giant block in front of the door and successfully put the fire out, after watching Pegasus being burned had lost its fun, of course.  
  
Rubbing his third-degree-burned backside, Pegasus donned his Santa voice, which really sounds like a rubber duck being strangled.  
  
"Ho ho ho," bellowed Pegsy.  
  
"What did you call me?!" exclaimed Jonochi.  
  
"Have you all been good this year?" continued the horribly burned and deformed imitation Santa.  
  
"Uh...sure," replied Bakura, hiding his matches behind his back. How he'd untangled himself from the Christmas lights was a mystery.  
  
"Okay," roared Pegsy in his choked rubber duck voice. "For you, Bakura, a flamethrower. Use it well."  
  
Everyone looked on in fear as Bakura caressed the flamethrower lovingly.  
  
"And for you, Yugi/Yami, a vat of hair gel."  
  
Yugi's eyes glittered as he beheld the giant glittering jar of hair gel.  
  
"And for you, Anzu, a roll of duct tape."  
  
Anzu looked slightly disappointed at her gift.  
  
"Why?" she said, eyeing the duct tape.  
  
"Because it's so darn useful," replied Pegsy briskly. "And for you, Kaiba, a new gravity-defying cape."  
  
Kaiba admired his new cape in the light of the dying embers of the once- burning Christmas tree, hiding a tear forming at the corner of his eye.  
  
"And for you, Mokuba, a top hat."  
  
"Woo!" exclaimed Mokuba. "Time to take my magic show on the road!"  
  
Pegsy-claus continued to hand out gifts in varying degrees of weirdness to the party in the living room. Then, with a strained "Ho ho ho," Pegsy slipped up the chimney into the night.  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
Dawn crept into the living room where everyone was playing/experimenting with their new toys. In homes all over Domino, little children woke up to gifts the crazy rich man had put beneath their trees. And everyone enjoyed a day filled with peace, happiness, and all the fried pigeon they could eat.  
  
That is, until Bakura figured out how to use his flamethrower.  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
I hope you liked my fic. ^-^ As a gift to me, your benevolent and slightly deranged author, a review will do. No, seriously. Review. Now.  
  
HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 


End file.
